I’ll leave this here


I’m a year older

Yesterday was my birthday!!! I’m 35 years old, yep 5 years away from 40. I’m not scared of being 40, but when a woman reaches 40 a lot changes with her body and things become more difficult 😯

I spent my day just the way I like it, chillin’ infront of the tv in my PJ’s. My husband insisted we braai last night so we did that. I don’t like a big fuss on my birthday. I was a little emotional as well, I’m sure you can guess why but other than that I had a nice day. Lots of birthday wishes. I hope 2018 is my year, I’ve been ready for so long, I don’t think I could be more ready.

Carrot cake and cheese cake tomorrow at work. Sure my colleagues would love that 😋😋


My feelings

I’m quiet because I’m going through emotions. I strongly feel like I don’t want to do IVF again. I’m not sure if it means only now and if maybe I will have a change of heart later.  I just don’t want to do it. My husband of course is trying to remind me of why we chose to be on this path and how much I want a child. I just can’t see it happening so I just wonder why??? Why do IVF? It seems silly to some people but that’s how I feel. Sorry not sorry

2018 – Life Goals

Happy New Year!!! It’s 2018 and of course at the start of each new year I strive to make changes in my life and hopefully stick to it.

At the risk of forming part of the huge percentage of people who makes a long list of resolutions and not seeing it out through even the first month of the new year, I thought I would keep it simple.

  • Be more spontaneous and adventurous:  I’ve always planned for EVERYTHING in my life and if I did not plan it, then it’s just not happening 🙂  This irritates my husband to no end.  He’s a kind of “on the spur of the moment” kind of guy and just does not understand why I am the way I am.  I know it’s boring but that is the way I’ve always been and that is how I preferred it.  So this year I am making an effort to be more open to things that I have not tried or would usually just decline or turn down.  I think my hubby will be happy about this.
  • Spend more time on experiences:  Don’t you just hate worrying about having things that you feel you should have but it’s really more because other people have it and you feel it’s an obligation?  Going through IVF last year had me at a constant panic about money, and whether we have saved enough.  It became really the only thing I live for and in the process I forgot to live my life and experience it to the full extend.  I had REALLY down days where I would just refuse to get out of bed, just sit there, while my husband would suggest a movie, dinner, anything.  I thought he was selfish, how dare we have fun in this time.  I can’t guarantee that I will be different when we do our 2nd cycle but I will definitely remember that I don’t want to be that person again.
  • Go with the flow:  This is the most difficult one for me.  To except life and all it’s curve balls and just go with it, and Deal with it!  🙂

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018

This year has been filled with good and bad. Happy and sad… The one thing that stays stuck in my mind is that another has come and gone and I’m still not pregnant. I still dont have my baby! Its a sad reality and I can’t help but think about how 2018 will treat me.

In other news a colleague was admitted to hospital last Wednesday and is on life support. I cant imagine her lying there and not being with her family tonight. I feel mostly sad for her 2 boys, she is all they have. Yes there’s extended family but it’s been the 3 of them for so very long.

I REALLY pray she makes a recovery and pull through this.

Have a blessed New Year everyone and may all your dreams come true in 2018

Gynae Appointment

After hearing that we might only do our next IVF cycle next year June – August, I had to do something to put my mind at ease. Or maybe prove everyone wrong who have been telling me there is nothing wrong with me. At this point I feel like I rather want something to be wrong than  hearing I’m perfectly healthy BUT not falling pregnant.

So I had a nice chat with my OBGYN this morning and he was so nice and understanding of my feelings after our failed cycle. He was a bit angry that we are pushed out so far and told me I must ask them again for an earlier cycle. He even offered to speak to them directly. Such a nice guy. I started crying again but I feel better now and I have hope again.

Now we wait for papsmear results but other than that I got a clean bill of health. Lining looks good and I have ovulated, ovaries look good as well.

So what now? I don’t know…we wait I suppose

From bad to worse

My heart is not OK today…  😦

Dr Nosarka phoned me this morning. She going on maternity leave next month and the other 2 doctors are booked solid.

We are now only doing our cycle June – August next year. She’s back after May only and I have to book end of January next year.

I was just so overwhelmed I started crying at my desk my colleague had to calm me down. I’m OK now but I’m so disapointed!!

And….my period just started probably cause my stress levels went out the roof.

My heart is not OK

Feels like someone kicked me in the gut

A colleague came in and announced that her other daughter is pregnant. I expected this cause she was late last week with her period. Still the news just made me want to burst into tears.

Shes married for 2 years and I suggested a gynae to her because she was not getting pregnant. She went and doctor said shes not ovulating  he gave her a few pills to take and follow up appointment showed 3 eggs. Gave her husbands pills as well because his sperm count was low. And bam…2 months later pregnant!

I feel like the universe hates me!!! Why does this upset me so much. I dont want people to think I’m not happy for them but I can’t help feeling this way. I can’t hide the fact that I wish it was me.

My heart is shattered this morning.. I hate this!!!

I’m over IT!!!

So I emailed Tygerberg today to check in with my period date for this month. Planned treatment date is 23rd November – after it was moved from this month. The reply I got was, if I miss the treatment date for 23rd November then they can’t help me…just like that!! I didn’t reply because I’m over trying to fit into schedule. I can’t predict my cycle its unpredictable always have been. Nothing I can do, NOTHING!! So f@$%k this sh@$%t,  for now I’m over it!